......."Adaptation is a profound process. Means you figure out how to thrive in the world."...............

Saturday, August 19, 2006 01:12 p.m.
There's a saying in AA: "Ya spot it, ya got it" - meaning that the things we find the most annoying, the most offensive in others, tend to be the traits that we ourselves need to be working on.

summer sun fun

Wednesday, August 16, 2006 11:47 p.m.
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Monday, August 14, 2006 01:13 a.m.
"A young man caught a small bird, and held it behind his back. He then asked, "Master, is the bird I hold in my hands alive or dead?" The boy thought this was a grand opportunity to play a trick on the old man. If the master answered "dead," it would be let loose into the air. If the master answered "alive," he would simply wring its neck. The master spoke, "the answer is in your hands."

spring. break.

Tuesday, April 11, 2006 03:51 a.m.
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I forgot how you say old in french

Monday, October 10, 2005 08:31 a.m.
this is an open letter to my makers., so the following is a post to counteract the "waaa" post of aug. 16th... Just wanted to change the atmosphere of this lil online journal of mine that im sure no one ever really reads, but its all good, i like to think conan checks in on me every once in awhile when hes not busy being wonderful, i sound a lil creepy now dont i? i do ... nice, to add to that, on my way back to school riding on the bart, which ryhmes with fart, because thats what it smells like for the majority of the ride, i was thinking up more band names and i think i would like to hear a band with the name "Katie Couric's Downfall" yes, this will be the name... contact me if you want to lease out this name, i will be charging, im livng off of ramen. ok,im not, it just sounded like the college student thing to say, to be honest, im actually very well fed, a lil too well fed if you ask me, im getting suspicious. ok, here goes the open letter.....

what happens when you reach such an incredibly debilitating age? i mean 21, so i can drink, wow... its not like i couldnt slip a scotch into middle school...a friend told me, a friend old enough to tell me these things, that from here till maybe 28 im making a downpayment on my life, these are the rules, fuck up now, embrace it, and enjoy it as it hits me. So yes,

dear mom and dad: thank you for every single moment youve loved me, hated me, guilted me, jilted me, hugged me, disowned me, reowned me, and most of all, tried to understand me.... and even though youll never read this, i want to be able to write it somewhere so that its in somewhat of a tangible form, this should even be printed out and possibly notarized... i want to say that i am what youve made me, and i think i turned out ok. Im capable of giving ridicoulously enormous amounts of love and i want to say i have an understanding people's capacity for frailty, and owe it to you, for those unspeakable and unimaginable things youve given of yourself and for all the times you thought of your children's dreams as opposed to your own flights of fancy, and although i disagree with that, i suffer from the ultimate guilt of gratitude, that i have something unexplicably solid from you, a sense of place ... its true when they say, "youll only really see her when shes with those she loves," and i hope to god when people see me with my friends and family they get to see me really smile, because in those moments, that is what they call bliss.

im glad i was born. thanks again for doing it... pun intended.

Tuesday, August 16, 2005 10:10 p.m.
Isnt it funny when everything seems in place? the outside looks fine but my insides feel like imploding. im thinking its nervousness? fear? anxiousness? confusion hidden and disguised as secret happiness? but its not, its the feeling of compression, theres no air and all i can think about is how much im going to miss having dinner with my family on a weekday. i need to know that theyll be ok, that the thin thread they hang onto wont break without my being there. sounds a bit traumatic doesnt it? but thats how i feel, its a huge weight.

"take a load off" is what i think we all want said to us, "and put the load right on me," but try to accept those words without some form of guilt, shit. if i took a step back, it doesnt look like it feels. it looks awesome, it looks hopeful, but it feels hopeless, i always say staying is never bad but leaving is so much more fun, i guess it takes leaving to realize how much more it takes to stay.

Saturday, June 18, 2005 07:43 p.m.
"If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?" And whenever the answer has been "No" for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something...

Remembering that I'll be dead soon is the most important tool I've ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything Ė all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure - these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.

No one wants to die. Even people who want to go to heaven don't want to die to get there. And yet death is the destination we all share. No one has ever escaped it. And that is as it should be, because Death is very likely the single best invention of Life. It is Life's change agent. It clears out the old to make way for the new. Right now the new is you, but someday not too long from now, you will gradually become the old and be cleared away. Sorry to be so dramatic, but it is quite true. Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of other's opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary. -steve jobs.

Thursday, June 9, 2005 12:05 a.m.
despite my inexplicable dislike of tom cruise, i cant wait for war of the worlds...

but thatís irrelevant right now.

I woke up today and couldnít get out of bed, I think its called laziness, but im going to romanticize it and blame it on chronic fatigue symptoms of an inability to do the shit that needs to get done in a dayÖ tomorrow will be different, I will put the alarm clock on and it will be tuned in on the most annoying radio station in the world, and it will be placed on the highest volume.....and it will be.... in the restroom Ö. This will workÖ. It has to, my future college career and paychecks depend on it.

Sunday, June 5, 2005 08:26 p.m.
Dr. Cox: Relationships don't work the way they do on television and in the movies. Will they? Won't they? And then they finally do, and they're happy forever. Gimme a break. Nine out of ten of them end because they weren't right for each other to begin with, and half of the ones who get married get divorced anyway, and I'm telling you right now, through all this stuff I have not become a cynic. I haven't. Yes, I do happen to believe that love is mainly about pushing chocolate covered candies and, y'know, in some cultures, a chicken. You can call me a sucker, I don't care, because I do believe in it. Bottom line: it's couples who are truly right for each other wade through the same crap as everybody else, but the big difference is they don't let it take them down. One of those two people will stand up and fight for that relationship every time. If it's right, and they're real lucky, one of them will say something.

im so happy he shares my dna

Saturday, May 28, 2005 05:36 p.m.
me: doug, just think about that kid in ethiopia ... you dork..

him: it's burnt toast, i am thinking of him....

someone id wished i got to meet to say thank you for making me laugh.

Saturday, May 28, 2005 04:54 p.m.
quotes from mitch Hedberg:

This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... It's dirty.

It's hard to dance if you just your lost wallet. "Whoa! Where's my wallet? But, hey this song is funky..."

It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.

I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. "Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Man, you really like Tide..."

I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone needs to get ahold of me they just say, "Mitch," and I say, "what" and turn my head slightly...

Someone handed me a picture and said, "This is a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture of you is when you were younger. "...Here's a picture of me when I'm older." Where'd you get that camera man?

I wrote a letter to my dad - I wrote, "I really enjoy being here," but I accidentally wrote rarely instead of really. But I still wanted to use it so i crossed it out and wrote, "I rarely drive steamboats, dad - there's a lot of shit you don't know about me. Quit trying to act like I'm a steamboat operator." This letter took a harsh turn right away...

I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone needs to get ahold of me they just say, "Mitch," and I say, "what" and turn my head slightly...

Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. Goddamn it Otto, you are an alcoholic. Goddamn it Otto, you have Lupis... one of those two doesn't sound right.

That would be cool if you could eat a good food with a bad food and the good food would cover for the bad food when it got to your stomach. Like you could eat a carrot with an onion ring and they would travel down to your stomach, then they would get there, and the carrot would say, "It's cool, he's with me."

If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.

My lucky number is 4 billion, that doesn't come in real handy when your gambling. I'm gonna need some more dice, 4 billion divided by 6, at least.

I use the word totally too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but has the same meaning. Mitch do you like submarine sandwhiches? All-encompassingly...

I got my hair highlighted, because I felt some strands were more important than others.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

Wednesday, May 25, 2005 05:13 a.m.
all will be forgiven if i get the the new coldplay cd in my hands. im THAT easy.... im back with chris martin of coldplay, me him and gwynnie talked it over and we figured the more the merrier... right?

Tuesday, May 17, 2005 08:57 a.m.
Heather: It's just like Hamlet said, "To thine own self be true."
Cher: Hamlet didn't say that.
Heather: I think I remember Hamlet accurately.
Cher: Well, I remember Mel Gibson accurately, and he didn't say that. That Polonius guy did.

logic will break your heart.

Thursday, May 5, 2005 02:34 p.m.
Held to the past too aware of the pending- the shins ... how very true shins.

Monday, April 25, 2005 01:20 a.m.
Evelyn Norwich: [to Deborah] Lately, your low self-esteem is just good common sense...

and! its almost been two months since I've had a cough drop. I should take out a full page ad, this is pretty big news, its been an addicton since high school, and i stopped cold turkey... i think that is called...awesome.

new management

Sunday, April 10, 2005 04:06 a.m.
i dont think id make it very far without my family and friends,. maybe to a certain point and then I'll realize, itd be really shitty to live for myself, cause I dont, i live for them. and they are awesome, and i was so afraid to say good things like that, as if by saying it out loud and claiming it, itd get taken away, but who can do that if i dont let them? why be afraid of saying whats good about life? Whats so wrong with being happy with yourself and of others and about things? Why was i so scared to point out what was amazing about my life? That my parents didnt screw me up all that bad? that my sister is awesome, my brother has so much compassion for a twelve year old its crazy, that Im getting to know myself a bit more and because of that I think Im getting to know my friends a lil bit better, its not so much how I affect their lives, it how they affect mine and how id gladly slash tires for them. And it might be the fat cheeks talking but I just thought id share little moment of clarity. That its not uncool to be happy and I love that.

tales from a hospital

Thursday, March 3, 2005 01:32 p.m.
My doctor explained it like this,

I have no "money" and with "money", he meant platlete count... because my body now has no money i need to "work" it... and this was the cause of my hospital visit, I'd just like to thank the health care community in general for being really hard to get into, but well worth the wait.

when you get to the er its kind of like waiting to get into a really exclusive restaurant. And in order to get in, you need to faint. Not on purpose, nope, thats not right, you need to be in legitimate need of medical attention, and i was, i didnt know it because by this point my ass was dizzy as hell and i was answering any question thrown at me without real consideration, imagine if they were to ask me the juicy questions and not just if i was allergic to iv fluid...

i found myself starving, i was so hungry and sleepy and irritated, and afraid of tubes, I thought about how to merge my hunger with the tubes, like an IV of big macs and flatbread sandwiches, you might not realize it but every other commercial on TV is for either for a jack in the box sandwich or chicken selects. These aren't complaints, just observations, like, if you needed to pee, its not just your business and this is where my love of nurses come in, they're lovely, they truly are lovely, i know they went to school to be lovely but school cant teach you compassion, and they've got that down.

final words,i am so in love with my family and friends that its now a fact I am going to have to be healthy, if only so they never have to see me so gross ever again.

Sunday, February 20, 2005 06:33 p.m.
Allie: Now say you're a bird too. Noah: If you're a bird, I'm a bird.

After much consideration, itís now ryan gosling. Because, hot damn, as corny as the notebook was, I loved every minute of it. Aside from being a pretty good actor he's easy on the eyes and can read his lines pretty nicely. my horoscope keeps telling me Libras are romantic as hell and I donít think thatís true, but shit, Iím no different from any person that just wants to have ryan gosling look at me and , geez, ok, so, final thoughts? I think I just miss knowing someone else out there fancies me without question to the faults and the shit we all put ourselves in and Canadians are awesome, especially those that are 6'1 and formerly mickey mouse club members.... for the record, Iím not a stalker, Iím an enthusiast.

chris martin is on hiatus from my heart

Wednesday, February 16, 2005 11:07 p.m.
So, Paul Banks, the lead singer of Interpol, or at least, I hope that's his name, is awesome....he is crazy amazing and I am his and he is mine. God I sound threatening, but all i have to threaten him with is love. I'd be a housewife for him, gladly. And when he'd call and see what we were doing that night I'd say, you.

hehe, damn that sounds nasty, but I cant deny the love. He is so damn good live, and i've probably seen them five times now and only this time did I realize that I am crazy in love with him. Now, if only this didn't read so crazy. I'm actually quite rational when it comes to loving fake real people that are celebrities. I guess the only way to get over this is to meet him so he can be an ass to me, but! what if he's an ass and then realizes that we were meant to be? and as I walked down the street to my car he yells out, "ngan!" and i turn around and there he is, of course this is all happening with "the new" playing in the background, and of course he's had too much to drink and asks for a ride home, and I give him one, and then i realize as im driving him home, "its not you I love Paul, its your music and what it does to me, cause its hot, much like you are, but I dont think this'll work out," I'll say, and then he'll get out of the car, and of course "narc" is playing in the background, and then i drive off as he stands there....then I bust a fatass illegal uturn cause he is hot!.....the end.

Wednesday, February 2, 2005 03:25 a.m.
To the person that fucked with my car.

Thank you, for being who you are, because hopefully this is a good thing for you, i hope that you make some kick ass rice with that ricecooker you stole from my trunk. Thanks for breaking the window and spreading all that glass, it was awesome vacumming that up. And for taking my wallet, my Ikea gift card, I know I wasnt too smart to leave it in there and i know that my car is always filled with my stuff and its dirty, but I dont care if I did because I didn't ask for my car to get fucked. And thanks for taking everything from that glove compartment, my shell gas card and ohh yes...thanks for taking my awesome cds, at least you have good taste. Thanks for stealing my backpack and all the important shit inside of it,

I probably wouldn't have been too pissed at you, I understand that sometimes things get really hard, you dont choose the cards dealt to you, but you can choose how you deal with them, and im sorry to have to ever say this to anyone, but you are the standard for a fucked up life and I hope to god that your seed doesnt spread, because that means you dont respect other people, and when you dont respect other people, you have no hope for yourself, enjoy the crank that my memory card supplied. And I truly truly hope that the photos you took will keep you company at night, you nasty ass hoe.

Of course, if you're a struggling parent and stole all my shit to bid for breast milk off Ebay, no love lost. keep it gangsta.

Wednesday, January 12, 2005 02:58 a.m.
sometimes when i'm driving, i think that a t-rex will come out of no where out the trees and attack my car, of course i'd then stop my car cause t-rexes can only see you when youre moving, youd know this if you watched jurrasic park...

sometimes when im driving i think that a robot with super polymeric arms will impale me with their metallix hands that can turn into spears.

sometimes i'll be in the supermarket and then think i'll run into a long lost friend in the cookie aisle as we reach for the last safeway maple leaf cookies, of course, for romantic tension and to suit my orientation, it'll be a boy, a cute one, the funny one, the one that should've been, for romantic plot purposes that is ... and then we'll talk forever cause you can do that at safeway, they're 24 hrs. and then, out of no where, we'll hear a loud crash and screaming because obviously the predator has entered the Safeway and our love reunion is cut short because behind my long lost friend an image with dreadlocks appear, but thank god! its just lenny kravitz doing a cameo for comedic plot purposes...

and then sometimes, when im driving a song comes on and then im reminded that sometimes shit like that doesnt happen to break the tension, giraffes wont be walking down on jackson ave and it wont snow in san jose just so i can change the subject and let myself forget that im so sorry to make you feel the way you do.

Thursday, January 6, 2005 11:06 p.m.
im kind, i'm not trying to toot my horn here homies,I hear this from people and i dont think they're doing that to get into my pants or make me give donations. Its a genuine compliment I take to heart mainly because my grandmother was very kind. I drive around a lot, a lot of driving, the stuck in traffic listening to talk radio and mixed cds and commercials kind of drive a lot. one commerical is the "first five" commercial. In the first five years kids learn more and progress more with interaction from their family, friends, etc... In the first four years of my life I lived in Vietnam with my family, every morning my grandma was what I saw, and I'd like to think part of her, part of what she stood for is in me, a legacy left for me from a woman who understood what makes you into a real person.

Commence to jigglin

Saturday, January 1, 2005 01:28 a.m.
No Jive in 2005 y'all.

Friday, December 17, 2004 08:46 p.m.
Paul: I just want to capture what's real and honest.
Marlene: And what if it's boring?

Monday, November 22, 2004 01:12 a.m.
i cant stop watching the royal tenenbaums if i cant sleep. And when I watch it, i clean, so then i dont write my papers, which causes me to worry and not sleep and then put on the royal tenenbaums, which then makes me clean. Is this some vicous cycle of Hygienic Insomnia?

Wednesday, November 10, 2004 10:18 p.m.

Cockney rhyming slang . . . ĎUllo, mate. Come in awf (out) of de frog [aní toad] (road) aní Ďave a cuppa Rosie [Lee] (cup of tea). Itís on de Cain [aníAbel] (table). But wipe yer plates [oí meat] (feet) Ďcos de olí trouble aní strife (wife)ís just scrubbed de Rory [OíMore] (floor). Sheís up de apples aní pears (upstairs) Ďaviní a bo-peep (sleep). Iím still on de cob [an coal], (dole). Get into that lionís [lair] (chair) and letís chew the fat (have a chat).í ...


Monday, November 8, 2004 08:57 p.m.

In 10 days I'm going to set out to find the shark that ate my friend and destroy it.

Saturday, November 6, 2004 06:42 p.m.
Nico.These Days Lyrics

I've been out walking
I don't do too much talking
These days, these days.
These days I seem to think a lot
About the things that I forgot to do
And all the times I had the chance to.

I've stopped my rambling,
I don't do too much gambling
These days, these days.
These days I seem to think about
How all the changes came about my ways
And I wonder if I'll see another highway.

I had a lover,
I don't think I'll risk another
These days, these days.
And if I seem to be afraid
To live the life that I have made in song
It's just that I've been losing so long.
La la la la la, la la.

I've stopped my dreaming,
I won't do too much scheming
These days, these days.
These days I sit on corner stones
And count the time in quarter tones to ten.
Please don't confront me with my failures,
I had not forgotten them.

like this?

Friday, October 29, 2004 10:00 p.m.
Dry Your Eyes

In one single moment your whole life can turn 'round
I stand there for a minute starin' straight into the ground
Lookin' to the left slightly, then lookin' back down
World feels like it's caved in - proper sorry frown
Please let me show you where we could only just be, for us
I can change and I can grow or we could adjust
The wicked thing about us is we always have trust
We can even have an open relationship, if you must
I look at her she stares almost straight back at me
But her eyes glaze over like she's lookin' straight through me
Then her eyes must have closed for what seems an eternity
When they open up she's lookin' down at her feet

Dry your eyes mate
I know it's hard to take but her mind has been made up
There's plenty more fish in the sea
Dry your eyes mate
I know you want to make her see how much this pain hurts
But you've got to walk away now
It's over

So then I move my hand up from down by my side
It's shakin', my life is crashin' before my eyes
Turn the palm of my hand up to face the skies
Touch the bottom of her chin and let out a sigh
'Cause I can't imagine my life without you and me
There's things I can't imagine doin', things I can't imagine seein'
It weren't supposed to be easy, surely
Please, please, I beg you please
She brings her hands up towards where my hands rested
She wraps her fingers round mine with the softness she's blessed with
She peels away my fingers, looks at me and then gestures
By pushin' my hand away to my chest, from hers

Dry your eyes mate
I know it's hard to take but her mind has been made up
There's plenty more fish in the sea
Dry your eyes mate
I know you want to make her see how much this pain hurts
But you've got to walk away now
It's over

And I'm just standin' there, I can't say a word
'Cause everythin's just gone
I've got nothin'
Absolutely nothin'

Tryin' to pull her close out of bare desperation
Put my arms around her tryin' to change what she's sayin'
Pull my head level with hers so she might engage in
Look into her eyes to make her listen again
I'm not gonna fuckin', just fuckin' leave it all now
'Cause you said it'd be forever and that was your vow
And you're gonna let our things simply crash and fall down
You're well out of order now, this is well out of town
She pulls away, my arms are tightly clamped round her waist
Gently pushes me back and she looks at me straight
Turns around so she's now got her back to my face
Takes one step forward, looks back, and then walks away

Dry your eyes mate
I know it's hard to take but her mind has been made up
There's plenty more fish in the sea
Dry your eyes mate
I know you want to make her see how much this pain hurts
But you've got to walk away now
It's over

I know in the past I've found it hard to say
Tellin' you things, but not tellin' straight
But the more I pull on your hand and say
The more you pull away

Dry your eyes mate
I know it's hard to take but her mind has been made up
There's plenty more fish in the sea
Dry your eyes mate
I know you want to make her see how much this pain hurts
But you've got to walk away now.

no more inbetween.

Saturday, October 9, 2004 08:23 p.m.
yay! im twenty....sound convincing?

straight up!

Thursday, August 26, 2004 12:07 a.m.
i just lost fifteen dollars in poker...i was punked! the moral of this story is:

as a viet, I need to stay away from cards... as to not awaken the gene...

note to the little boy that took my out for your tires!

i keed.

worktime Epiphany

Monday, August 23, 2004 11:22 a.m.
You know those songs that follow you around? The ones that pop up every once and a while and at it usually happens when your ass is in need of a really good lyric? and it so happens that these two songs are opposites but it i should be working...right now....later homes. can bend the truth
Till it's suiting you
These things that you're wrapping all
around you
Never know what they will amount to
If you're life is just going on without you
It's the end of the things you know
Here we go

You've gotta know
That there's more to this world
Than what you have seen
'Cause we all
Have a limited view
Of what it can be

As we move along
With our blinders on
Each one of us feels a little stranded
And you can't explain or understand it
Each one of us is on a different planet
Amidst all the to and fro
Someone can say hello
Here we go

Feeling that someone really gets you
Well it's something that noone should
object to
It could happen today so I suggest you
Skip your habbit of laying low
It's the end of the things you know
Here we go

Someone can say hello
You old so and so
Here we go
-j.brion It's not
What you thought
When you first began it
You got
What you want
Now you can hardly stand it though,
By now you know
It's not going to stop
It's not going to stop
It's not going to stop
'Til you wise up

You're sure
There's a cure
And you have finally found it
You think
One drink
Will shrink you 'til you're underground
And living down
But it's not going to stop
It's not going to stop
It's not going to stop
'Til you wise up

Prepare a list of what you need
Before you sign away the deed
'Cause it's not going to stop
It's not going to stop
It's not going to stop
'Til you wise up
No, it's not going to stop
'Til you wise up
No, it's not going to stop
So just...give up
-a. mann

i think that says enough for now..

Friday, August 6, 2004 07:46 p.m.
Andrew Largeman: You know that point in your life when you realize the house you grew up in isn't really your home anymore? That idea of home is gone. Maybe that's all family really is. A group of people who miss the same imaginary place.

i may or may not have in my possession aqua teen hunger force...VOLUME TWO!

Sunday, July 25, 2004 08:07 p.m.
Witch Doctor: Now, repeat after me. I Am...
Carl, Frylock, Meatwad: I Am...
Witch Doctor: Sofa King...
Carl, Frylock, Meatwad: Sofa King...
Witch Doctor: We Todd Ed.
Carl, Frylock, Meatwad: We Todd Ed.
Witch Doctor: Now say it again, faster.
Carl, Frylock, Meatwad: I Am Sofa King We Todd Ed.
Witch Doctor: Hahahaha! You said a very funny thing.

to be clear...this ones not on the dvd......sadness.

Monday, July 19, 2004 12:00 a.m.
i just came from a john mayer concert..(an got hooked up with tickets, and! kickass parking)..thats out! i like John fact, lemme just say that he kicks ass! but not enough to buy his eighty dollar t-shirt, but enough to put into writing that he is in fact...a pretty awesome performer....more on this all mellow rocked out!

i love lloyd dobbler and coldplay... which is to say: I am a bookslut and:

Monday, July 12, 2004 06:57 a.m.
I love fake love.... I just read a theory that all women dont love john cusack...they love lloyd dobbler...which is true, even when im watching high fidelty i forgive Rob for all his faults because i see a lloyd dobbler who has lost his way, the Serendipity it was Lloyd Dobbler in New York... and in Identity it was just a very very screwed up Lloyd isn't cusack's fault that i typecast him but it is something amzaing that any and all romantic comedies have screwed us all over... it defines a way to approach people because it tugs at those nerves, not hormones, worse, those tingles in your freakin fingers

and then when i listen to chris martin belt out "i miss you" I am filled with them damn tingles in my fingers...a soundtrack that'll fill my fake love wannabe life where i make up fake love situations to fulfill this image of how maybe it should be....but if you know me at all I dont really subscribe to it even though i am a libra and my horoscope keeps telling me im a die-hard romantic...take it from me...i dont think am....

but after watching/reading/hearing a "say anything-esque" anything i would kill a puppy (THIS IS A JOKE>>DONT TAKE IT SERIOUSLY!)to have a "say anything moment." not that radio moment...but more of an awesome night walking around the neighborhood moment.......

but only in an environment where all necessities are fulfilled could you possibly worry about this crap.. cause if im facing eviction, starvation and hypothermia i cant devote an hour of my day to curling my hair to go to whore myself off to chris martin...ok...maybe an hour for him...but for the fake love? i dun think so.
/ support for these two large components of fake love lead me to believe that i love chuck klosterman because he talks shit about coldplay and im not offended...which is no easy feat....but there I go again with the fake love...because chuck is a good writer... which just means he can bullshit well on paper...and just because you made me laugh Chuck doesnt mean youre a lloyd! but it does mean i just finished the first chapter of a very kickass book....oh a bookslut.

encore presentation.

Wednesday, July 7, 2004 12:54 a.m.
"Do you hear that, mister? We're not licensed for suicides around here. This place halal. Kosher, understand? If you're going to die round here, my friend, I'm afraid you've got to be thoroughly bled first.' Archie dragged his head off the steering wheel. And in the moment between focusing on the sweaty bulk of a brown-skinned Elvis and realizing that life was still his, he had a kind of epiphany. It occurred to him that, for the first time since his birth, Life had said Yes to Archie Jones. Not simply an 'OK' or 'You-might-as-well-carry-on-since-you've-started', but a resounding affirmative. Life wanted Archie. She had jealously grabbed him from the jaws of death, back to her bosom. Although he was not one of her better specimens, Life wanted Archie and Archie, much to his own surprise, wanted Life."

white teeth, zadie smith

just woke up...cannot feel legs.

Monday, July 5, 2004 11:16 a.m.
i found the best place to watch fireworks yesterday....THE FREEWAY.

I wasnt the only one who knew this. cars were parked on the was awesome, beautiful...i was with my family and i felt like a 10 yr old again minus all that 10 yr old giddiness and confusion. however, i felt pretty bad for the cars stuck on the freeway, the ones that didn't give a damn about the explosions..

..ex...the toyota prius next to us....sorry bout that.

doesn't anyone get bothered that Cheney is very connected to Halliburton? doesnt that creep ANYONE out? corrupt is one thing, but to get away with it due to temporary blindness is amazing.....

personal velocity

Sunday, June 27, 2004 10:01 a.m.
i have to cut down on my diet of coffee and coughdrops....its becoming a problem worthy of an intervention. mainly because i have addictive tendencies...not to people, but to things. like....trivia. go ahead ask me...ANYTHING.....!

however...the point of this entry will be that I had a point, went to bed, woke up and had no more points...instead I had to seriously go pee....which is a result of all the coffee i had the night before....don't you think that if i didnt drink all that coffee and i didnt have to release it that my brain wouldve held onto at least something?

so starting today....whenever i even think of coffee...coughdrops...ambien...hehe...(just kidding...or am i?) then i will pick up a badass bottle of liquor! i mean terms of water....

but that still means i'll be peeing up a storm...doesnt it? damn!

Wednesday, June 23, 2004 09:56 p.m.
"Do you hear that, mister? We're not licensed for suicides around here. This place halal. Kosher, understand? If you're going to die round here, my friend, I'm afraid you've got to be thoroughly bled first.' Archie dragged his head off the steering wheel. And in the moment between focusing on the sweaty bulk of a brown-skinned Elvis and realizing that life was still his, he had a kind of epiphany. It occurred to him that, for the first time since his birth, Life had said Yes to Archie Jones. Not simply an 'OK' or 'You-might-as-well-carry-on-since-you've-started', but a resounding affirmative. Life wanted Archie. She had jealously grabbed him from the jaws of death, back to her bosom. Although he was not one of her better specimens, Life wanted Archie and Archie, much to his own surprise, wanted Life."

white teeth, zadie smith

Family Isn't A Word... It's A Sentence.

Friday, June 18, 2004 2:01 a.m.
These are unrelated quotes to the subject of tonight's discussion....

Kirk: Basically, I freak out at beddy-bye. About an hour after I fall asleep, I wake up in panic. Everything around me seems threatening, scary, out to get me. Two nights ago, I was suddenly gripped with the overwhelming feeling that there was an assassin in my house.
Luke: Jeez.
Kirk: I had to get out of the room before he got me, so I jumped out of bed and locked my pillow in the bathroom.
Luke: Why?
Kirk: Because it was a bomb.
Luke: Of course.
Kirk: After neutralizing my pillow, I ran up the stairs, climbed out the bathroom window, scaled the trellis up the side of the house, and hid on the roof...
Luke: Huh.
Kirk: Completely naked.
Luke: Aw, jeez!
Kirk: The worst part of night terrors is it always ends up with me on top of the roof completely naked or running down the street completely naked or swimming in the community-center pool completely naked. That was the time I thought I was on fire.

Captain Renault: What in heaven's name brought you to Casablanca?
Rick: My health. I came to Casablanca for the waters.
Captain Renault: The waters? What waters? We're in the desert.
Rick: I was misinformed.

but i have to say that i miss that my family was a five person unit...but my sister left. so that leaves me to believe we are still five units but maybe 4 and a half units...cause she left me. we aren't particularly close, but we are sisters..she is the only other person that will ever know how we grew it works... but we werent particularly close...i didnt tell her stories of my day, i didnt call her for no reason...or rather i'd call her to call and would have to make up a reason...i think i miss sleepy....either way, none of this should make any sense...take it easy.

i was stuck in traffic today

Thursday, June 17, 2004 09:40 p.m.
i know this song sounds corny as hell....but its also happy as hell.

You're a part time lover
And a full time friend
The monkey on your back is the lastest trend
I don't see what anyone can see in anyone else but you

I kiss you on the brain
In the shadow of the train
I kiss you all starry-eyed
My body swings from side to side
I don't see what anyone can see in anyone else but you

Here is the church and here is the steepl
We sure are cute for two ugly people
I don't see what anyone can see in anyone else but you

Pebbles forgive me
The trees forgive me
So why can't you forgive me?
I don't see what anyone can see in anyone else but you

I will find my niche in your car
With my mp3, DVD, rumble-pack, guitar
I don't see what anyone can see in anyone else but you

do do do-do do do-do do do do

Up up down down right left right left B A start
Just because we use cheats doesn't mean we're not smart
I don't see what anyone can see in anyone else but you

You are always trying to keep it real
I'm in love with how you feel
I don't see what anyone can see in anyone else but you

We both have shiny, happy, fits of rage:
You want more fans,
I want more stage.
I don't see what anyone can see in anyone else but you

Don Quixote was a steel-driving man,
My name is Adam
I'm your biggest fan
I don't see what anyone can see in anyone else but you

You squinched up your face and did a little dance
Shook a little turd out of the bottom of you pants
I don't see what anyone can see in anyone else but you

do do do-do do do-do do do do

But you...

-the moldy peaches

nepotism all the way

Wednesday, June 16, 2004 02:00 p.m.
I spent the day with my brother and all i can say is that he is awesome. we went to the comic book store where the comic guy was dead inside and very mean, which i thought was appropriate....i got to be the cool sister when the old man said....[any kids without adults stay for ten mins then you leave] which i replied to [they're all with me] which translates to [i havent forgotten my roots, im still street.] and the lil kids said. [thanks lady]..... we went to a buffet where we preceded to rock on with the ice cream sundaes, ALL YOU CAN EAT, you don't know my brother, but i suggest you should, because he understands the concept of all he can eat. So then i figured...if i was Secretary of State, i would totally get Doug the job of chairman of the FCC, just so we could hang out in the white house cafeteria and rock on with the ice cream sundaes.

woot woot?

Friday, June 4, 2004 10:23 p.m.
I work at a place that looks for aliens.....wait....correction

intelligent beings.......jill tarter, a pretty major force in SETI research was on Anderson Cooper 360 the other the conversation went like this.

ngan: you were on Anderson cooper the other night?

jill: I was

ngan: He's my husband

jill: How?

ngan: I just claim him is all.

This woman forged her way for women in the sciences and i tell her that i "claim" Anderson Cooper? let's just hope she thinks i'm "quirky"...


Monday, May 24, 2004 12:35 p.m.
mea culpa will now be the reply for anything..~~~ "oh damn, I didn't go to class.."

..mea culpa..

Wednesday, May 19, 2004 07:38 a.m.
i sound like a downer....come on y'all...commence to more of this self-help crap. let me dedicate this entry to something irrelevant cause im young im supposed to..right? so this is an ode to my swiffer wet jet mop. this will be written with hopes that someone from the swiffer wet jet company will send me more refills...for free!!! when i used to be a downer, and no i dont mean pills, I would think to do we clean these floors and not have to use a mop, and bucket,lysol and backpain and not have the resulting shoeprint from some asshole who didnt see that the floor was shiny and that meant take off yo shoes. so, when i saw my swiffer wet jet i jus knew....we just knew....that we needed each other....i knew that anything that could spray its own liquid and clean itself off sounds nasty but is really charming....and i love it..i love you swiffer wet jet ....i love you.

let them eat cake.

Tuesday, May 18, 2004 11:23 p.m.
he named her husband chris martin, of coldplay, named our baby Apple. So, in lieu of him, hes now on paternity leave, I will listen to numbers one, five, and seven on the chutes too narrow cd.,

i drove out of san jose today because I needed to keep was very "felicity" of me, minus the whole stanford thing because lets face it, unless my last name is clinton i aint getting in unless i saved babies while being a minority and running faster than god all while writing an essay about really hard math problems on how to save society. so while driving and listening to numbers one, five and seven on the cd i think i will try:

to live up to something else.. not what im living up to now, not anymore, this is what makes me not want to wake up and drive to where the things need to be done, the homework, the relationships, the reports, the essays, the traffic, the work, the family, the shit that isn't going to do itself. the careful connections I have created have come undone. I couldve sworn i worked harder than this to keep what I have, to keep the family in check, the friends in harmony, the goals nurtured, I couldve sworn I did. but where are they? these things...i thought i made copies but turns out its slipping and i dont really give a damn....

its too much to try and hold onto all of it, i'll try, but yoda was a bitch. "do or do not there is no try" is bullshit...your ass needs to try first in order to do or do not...his weirdass dyslexia failed him...... if i met me now would i still want to be my friend? damn straight i would...i rock...and so do you...

finders keepers

Monday, May 17, 2004 03:33 p.m.
then I found this... I hope it cancels out the other one
"This rather simple epitaph can save your hide your falling mind
Fate isn't what we're up against there's no design no flaws to find
There's no design no flaws to find."

Sunday, May 16, 2004 08:31 p.m.
things I read today..."im another day late and one year older. i'm a failure by design." how fucking depressing is that? the swear word is for emphasis. how is it that I cant help but smile every time someone says something to me?

commence to jiggling.

Monday, May 10, 2004 11:23 p.m.
Let's just say that as a minority I'm finally understanding that not every struggle becomes local news, battles are fought quietly, worries are stomached, and all I can think of is that everyone thinks we're like the joy luck club ....

Wednesday, April 28, 2004 08:37 p.m.
Clementine: Joel, I'm not a concept. Too many guys think I'm a concept or I complete them or I'm going to make them alive, but I'm just a fucked up girl who is looking for my own peace of mind. Don't assign me yours.
Joel: I remember that speech really well.
Clementine: I had you pegged, didn't I?
Joel: You had the whole human race pegged.
Clementine: Probably.
Joel: I still thought you were going to save me. Even after that.

Wednesday, April 28, 2004 08:11 p.m.
I am really Frylock from Aqua Teen Hunger Force!!
nizzgan's groovin' to Adult Swim

Wednesday, April 28, 2004 08:10 p.m.

I am Meatwad from Aqua Teen Hunger Force!!
Which Aqua Teen Hunger Force character are you??

hot damn this inertia

Monday, April 26, 2004 02:16 a.m.
"I see hope as this rather pointless, amorphous emotion. Hope doesn't accomplish anything. Action accomplishes something. The idea that a possibility creates something... Sitting around hoping for something doesn't do much." -c.p.....

I hope one day I can accept this and do to wrap up a month and a half....get ready....yep...I did things, I know I did, but itd be ass-like of me to assume any of you would want to read that I saw Dan Aykroyd in the street and touched mark ruffalo...

I am, however, figuring out what corporations and entities I don't want to subscribe to, I am just now seeing that a FIVE YEAR PLAN eventually ends up in a TEN YEAR REVISION....and I have recently discovered that anything I ever thought I understood is subject to change. That includes people and ideas, interchangeably.

I figure that I want a big family, one that I can rely on instead of social security. I'll just love them to death and they won't send me to a nursing home in florida, instead, they'll finance my gambling habit with chartered buses to Vegas. I want to garden when I get older so that my lil grandkids can come over and see bright beautiful flowers, I want flowers everyday. I want to go back at the moment that I figured how I was to let the world affect me and how I would affect it...cause at that moment I would probably have listened up to something other than this unhealthy drive to fulfill every silly standard.

and lastly...I would remind you that despite my ranting of unnessesary standards and existential bullshit, that I love every single thing about you. I love how a friend can call me up with a hello and remind me that I'm not the only one that knows my name. I love how my mom can remind me that perseverence is the equalizer in a game that isnt fair. I my brother is an example of how we can choose to let the world affect us. I appreciate above all, the chance to communicate this...regardless if anyone is reading, cause its out there...I'm putting this out there...that I know nothing about anything and I think that right now, im fine with that.

Wednesday, February 25, 2004 08:02 a.m.
its raining outside. windy, gray, all the colors that make you feel like you need socks. And does ngan have socks?! I bought 54 pairs and im down to i eat them? are they stolen in the night? I am in a flux. my feet are cold. indecisive at most and am irregularly concentrated on one thing. that being the missing socks. Im thinking i need some nice slow "Amelie"-ish background music. Something subtle with a violin and a piano.

first in flight?

Monday, February 23, 2004 01:35 a.m.
"'Fight or Flight' is an inborn genetic response which helps us to protect ourselves throughout our lives. The surge of adrenalin gives us the strength we need to either get the heck out of there, or stand our ground. Your body has prepared you for 'fight' or 'flight.' Your body is prepared to help you fight and resist the threat if needed or to run away quick as you can if it is appropriate. Whichever course of action you choose, your body is ready to respond, The fight/flight response is one of survival."

Saturday, February 21, 2004 03:48 p.m.
ďYou have been my friend,Ē replied Charlotte. ďThat in itself is a tremendous thing. I wove my webs for you because I liked you. After all, whatís a life, anyway? Weíre born, we live a little while, we die. A spiderís life canít help being something of a mess, with all this trapping and eating flies. By helping you, perhaps I was trying to lift up my life a trifle. Heaven knows anyoneís life can stand a little of that.Ē

-E.B WHITE "charlotte's web"

they dont love you like i love you

Monday, February 9, 2004 01:05 a.m.
its the 9th, i was born on a 9th, "maps" is number 9 on the cd.....coincidence? I think not.....

world's smallest violin

Tuesday, January 27, 2004 11:51 p.m.
call me a masochist but i try not to tear up until its absolutely neccesary. When your stomach tells your heart who tells your body to communicate to your brain that its had enough, thats when its worth it.....crying, my friend, is never a sign of weakness....dont get me wrong, im not on some "i dont cry" power trip, but i cry those big fatass heartbreaking sobs that do wonders for a girl's complextion. The ultimate release in anxiety, shame, depression, happiness, regret, nervousness, confusion, and frustration you name it and in that moment I recognize every one of those emotions and i let go. Its out of my control, i cant stomach it i cant ignore it. so tell me, is that healthy? weak? do i need to express shit more often? was i hugged as a child? Cause it works for me as im sure things work for everyone. i make myself sound like a manic and im not, I fully think its perfectly cool to be happy and to not manufacture problems (j.nicholson) this is a rant...thats all....reminder to myself that if you cant hack it, accept that, and find a way to work it. cause its worth it...(m. elliot)...

american splendor......

Tuesday, January 20, 2004 01:45 a.m.
"Maybe in a way because I don't perceive that we have a lot of rituals for establishing adulthood in our society. It seems for me that it's been about the impulse to rush out and buy a lot of stuff so I feel like a grownup, or commit to a relationship at age 17 so I feel like a grownup. It's about trying to, in a way, arbitrarily complete myself with a rite of passage, because there is no rite of passage that says, "Okay, now you're an adult." That idea of identity is always an issue for me. Personal identity seems like it's just such an American archetype, from Holly Golightly re-inventing herself in Breakfast At Tiffany's to Jay Gatsby in The Great Gatsby. It seems like the sort of archetypal American issue. If you're given the freedom to be anything, or be anyone, what do you do with it?
................... i know...i need to get me some sleep.


Tuesday, January 20, 2004 01:10 a.m.
"In college, we read about a group of people who were shown photographs of dental decomposition in various stages. The people who were shown photographs of mild deterioration and mild tooth loss increased their dental care, their dental hygiene. But people who were shown severely deteriorated mouths, hideous photographs, those people just shut down entirely. They quit brushing their teeth and flossing altogether. It actually made them worse."

"That's why if you're going to portray sadness, if you're going to have enormous amounts of sad, dark material, it has to be presented in a funny way, or there has to be intermittent funny scenes to release that tension, to bring people back up, to contrast with the sadness so that it can occur again and again."

---Chuck palahniuk.........thats just a good was very quotable...true to life...if you're sad as hell it'd do you good to smile...

tonight's session will be on the subject of time...........i did it..........i put the clock back to ten minutes early...i was on real time for a bit and realized that was no fun to be late as shit and realize...yes, thats the right running a little doesnt suck as much to be late for work and realize that im really not THAT actually makes the day a bit brighter...not so anxious at the destination cause in the reality of it not all that late, its just work and ill make it up to them and if i cant then well damn...........................its only retail the selfhelp tip of the day is:

...............take the steps to get to a place where im not so anxious to do something, not so nervous about missing something......truth is...IT WONT MATTER HOW FAST I GET THERE IF IM GOING IN THE WRONG DIRECTION....

thought you knew.

Thursday, November 20, 2003 03:33 a.m.
i think it, the thoughts, may have been along the lines of i love my mom, my dad, my sister, my brother, my extended family, their extended family, my friends, their friends, my friends' families, my teachers, their friends, their families, oprah, her friends, get it right? I mean, i thought you knew but you didnt, and it turns out maybe you did know.....its all along the lines of whats possible...tends to be everything, and everything is scarier than shit.its 3:33? dont i have homework? or something, like sleep?....


Thursday, November 20, 2003 03:09 a.m.
i went to new york...about a month ago...i would have could have should have written an entry when it was fresh in my mind, the fact that i was seperated from daily life in ghetto....all i rememeber is the fact that it was nice to look at something unfamilar and get used to it....get used to waking up in a small ass hotel room and know that theres something outside you cant explain....and that three hours earlier something else was happening far away, like i said, its nice to go away, but not to say that staying is ever bad..., all this sounds like im writing shit to you cause you werent there so how could i show you that it felt different? so take my word for it....ny may be overrated, but its there, and its mythology makes me a bit resistant to the fact that its really amazing....but then again..i didnt see conan...but then again...i saw beyonce at Serendipity's..wait...but then American Airlines loses my bag...nice....and all the beyonces and bag retreivals (which never came by the way..AA...shame...) will never make up for the Conan....that cut me deep......but was nice...minus the bag incident.

Tuesday, September 30, 2003 01:12 a.m.
aside from all those enries I've made, I'm not that corny....really! Not so highstrung deep in my thoughts for real...if anything....... "The more you know who you are, and what you want, the less you let things upset you." thanks bob harris. thank you. ...damn girl, thats deep.........ok...keep it tight.

manic medley

Saturday, August 23, 2003 06:00 p.m.
I wish I could live free Hope it's not beyond me It takes a long time just to get this all straight In my mind, this is my free-time i'll bring you when my lifeboat sails through the night That is supposing you don't sleep tonight .......................................... It's not meant to be a strife It's not meant to be a struggle uphill Sweetly It's not meant to be a strife To enjoy It's not up to you Oh it never really was It's not up to you Oh it never really was It's not up to you Well it never really was You've seen it all And all you have seen You can always review on Your own little screen The light and the dark The big and the small Just keep in mind You need no more at allAll the hurt in the world You know There's nothing I'd love to do more Than spare you from that burden It's gonna be hard If I only could Shelter you From that pain Just to make it easier on you Darling stop confusing me With your wishful thinking Hopeful embraces Don't you understand? I have to go through this I belong to here where No-one cares and no-one loves No light no air to live in A place called hate The city of fear I play dead You're alright There's nothing wrong Self-sufficience please! And get to work. And if you complain once more You'll meet an army of me................................................................................ I may be soft in your palm But I'll soon grow hungry for a fight, and I will not let you win My pretty mouth will frame the phrases that will disprove your faith in man So if you catch me trying to find my way into your heart from under your skin Do I wanna do right, of course but Do I really wanna feel I'm forced to Answer you, hell no I've acquired quite a taste for A well-made mistake, I wanna make a mistake Why can't I make a mistake.......................................................................................... Come on, oh my star is fading And I see no chance of release I know I'm dead on the surface But I'm screaming underneath And time is on your side It's on your side now Not pushing you down and all around It's no cause for concern.......................................................................................................Now I'm not looking for absolution Forgiveness for the things I do But before you come to any conclusions Try walking in my shoes Try walking in my shoes You'll stumble in my footsteps ....................................................................................controlling me, controlling me, is losing me, you're losing, control of me, control of me, you're losing, you're losing control of me, control of me, you're losing me then controlling me, controlling me, yeah, said I can't find my way out hey need the free time, I need to get away... I need the free time, To get away from you. I need some me time, I need the me time, I need to run away, run away, Run away, run away tonight... Yeah... Ohh, Ohh, Ohh, Ohhhh... ......................................................................................................................................I can turn And walk away Or I can fire the gun Staring at the sky Staring at the sun Whichever I chose It amounts to the same Absolutely nothing We're so wonderfully wonderfully wonderfully Wonderfully pretty Oh you know that I'd do anything for you We should have each other to tea huh? We should have each other with cream Then curl up by the fire And sleep for awhile It's the grooviest thing It's the perfect dream Dizzy dizzy dizzy As I speak Like a tumbling cat I watch in fascination Like a vampire bat Don't do it don't do it Don't do it don't do it Don't give it away We'll use it up tomorrow If we don't use it today It won't take you long To learn the new smile You'll have to adapt Or you'll be out of style It's always the same You're jumping someone else's train It's the latest wave That you've been craving for The old ideal Was getting such a bore Now you're back in line Going not quite quite as far But in half the time Everyone's happy They're finally all the same 'cause everyone's jumping Everyone else's train I want to change it all I want to change................... .......................What I am to you is not real What I am to you you do not need What I am to you is not what you mean to me You give me miles and miles of mountains And I'll ask for the sea ...............Here you can be anything. I think that scares you. What giving up gives you and where giving up takes you. I've had and I've been. Here in center frame, there's only air. Just enough space to fit. k, done......

to my brother.

Sunday, August 3, 2003 11:59 p.m.
I'm glad you were born.....not that youd read this, but other people might, and they'll know that I know that the world kicks a lil bit more ass cause you're in it.

i want out.

Tuesday, July 22, 2003 02:10 a.m.
dont do it...its a trap


Monday, July 21, 2003 12:53 a.m.
John Laroche: "Point is, what's so wonderful is that every one of these flowers has a specific relationship with the insect that pollinates it. There's a certain orchid, looks exactly like a certain insect so the insect is drawn to this flower, its double, its soul mate, and wants nothing more than to make love to it. And after the insect flies off, spots another soul-mate flower and makes love to it, thus pollinating it. And neither the flower nor the insect will ever understand the significance of their lovemaking. I mean, how could they know that because of their little dance the world lives? But it does. By simply doing what they're designed to do, something large and magnificent happens. In this sense they show us how to live -- how the only barometer you have is your heart. How, when you spot your flower, you can't let anything get in your way"

....i dont interpret this as my flower being a human, but maybe a reason,.....

faire et etre

Sunday, June 29, 2003 06:11 a.m.
persistence is an unfair equalizer..i know thats not true but it feels like it. ok, my to do list while im in this mood where i keep thinking i need to fix things in my life.....CLEAN YOUR CAR FINISH WHAT YOU START EAT BALANCED MEALS STOP YOUR STUPID SPENDING HABITS APPRECIATE THINGS AROUND YOU WHY ARENT YOU OK STOP TRYING TO FIX EVERYTHING AT ONCE THERES NO RACE YOU ARE NOT 65, not that theres anything wrong with 65 QUIT KEEPING YOUR OPTIONS OPEN, "thats suicide by tiny increments" ......and finally NGAN, YOU NEED TO KICK ASS...this comes around every month, a.k.a my menstrual cycle.....ok, rock on.

these days....

Wednesday, June 4, 2003 01:49 a.m.
dont confuse depression with drowsiness.

dont think. just shoot sucka

Sunday, May 25, 2003 03:32 a.m.
everything becomes a picture. overpasses, the way your headlights hit the divider, candid happiness, dogs peeing, every damn thing turns into a picture, that person, this place, that experience at that exact moment...

snoop is a finesse gangsta

Wednesday, April 23, 2003 03:12 a.m.
i will be a finesse gangsta................and then! oprah says life is all about shit oprah....No Shit............equilibrium is where its at....and ill find it...libra fo life

its not about the 411...its bout the 1414...ONE FO ME>>AND ONE FO MY HOMIES

Sunday, April 13, 2003 03:35 a.m.
finally fixed the mofo....html is just....damn....cause i have all these ideas but its as if i have no hope everything is as it should be...take it nice and easy people.

Thursday, March 27, 2003 12:34 a.m.
people in cars are real. i think so anyway, or maybe comfortable....people ALONE in cars are real, with themselves, no fronts no nothing, theyre there, they cry, they think, they yell, they sing, theyre happy, theyre who they want to be or who they cant help being cause they need not show anyone else, and if youre lucky, when you drive past them, youll catch a glimpse.

Tuesday, March 4, 2003 01:05 a.m.
im so tired

i'll tell you in another life, when we are both cats.

Tuesday, January 21, 2003 01:36 a.m.
Ive decided that i can no longer like hospitals, and because of that i dont know if i can like hotels and airports anymore. cause its different now. my first interpretation of a hospital was when i was a kid and i thought damn, hospitals are cool. I mean, food, brought to you, (roomservice), tv? damn good deal. But its not, cause in the halls of a hospital, theres something sad mixed with happy, theres really no guarentee. But as a kid, I always saw a bed you could control with a remote. Its different now. Theres more to it than that. i guess The reason why i might not be able to look at hotels, hospitals, and airports in the same way is because sometimes they're all on the same sign on the freeway. and they all represent something, something different, a change of schedule. and as a kid, change is amazing, but its different now. Because hotels are nicer versions of hospitals minus death and balloons. But still, its momentary, short-term, and then youre back to where you were and you deal with it. Airports are changeovers, a couple of hours and it can either bring you to a new place or take you back, and yes, theres a meal and tv. but its different now, the magic of change is wearing off, and all i see is...

dreaming in vietnamese.

Thursday, January 16, 2003 01:12 a.m.
vietnam. ive been there. for a sum it up in six words....chickens commies cheap weird i miss it...k, i lied thats 7, sue me. i come back and realize how nice it always is to go away. staying isnt ever bad, but leaving is more fun, especially when there are bad inflight movies involved.its safe to say that i come back three weeks later a little bit more uneasy about the permanence of things. i dont think it will ever be possible to get too comfortable with something, not that thats a bad thing, but that its realistic to understand that in a moment there are a million decisions and revisons. i dunno, i think theres just writing cause i cant sleep...fucken commies....

hanging up

Tuesday, December 17, 2002 05:10 a.m.
im connected to just be connected. the local news is on, the radio is blaring. so i can stay connected.. i receive the phone calls and attend the fuctions as to stay connected. no offense when i say connection is overrated when in order to stay so damn connected i disconnect with the very thing im searching for. am i not supposed to say that i enjoy life when there arent any comparisons. I dont like being shown the could should and would of it all. If onlys piss the shit out of me, because without them, im pretty damn happy. the moment you can realize that without comparison the picture isnt so lacking, i dunno, its a nice step back, but in order to cut off the comparisons, i think id need to cut off the connections. im not so sure thats such a good stuck believing that someone elses reality might kick more ass than mine. and i cant tell you how incredible it feels to be able to say that someone elses reality is just that, someone elses. another person 's version of, its kind of nice to be able to say that its good in the hood....

Tuesday, December 3, 2002 08:42 a.m.
ok. im going to try to figure out how the internet works. that way, one day, i will kick its ass...

Wednesday, November 27, 2002 01:40 a.m.
... birds scare me.....especially those that shouldnt be big....ostriches...just werent meant to be....but then i saw the natural history of chickens on PBS agen right...almost brought a tear to my eye.....but im still scared shitless about a nice holiday nice, eat like hell, and buy a can or two and toss it in a rule....take it easy

Tuesday, November 19, 2002 05:11a.m.
im thinkin its a phase we all have to eventually go xmen phase, xfiles phase, gansta-rap phase, a teen-angst phase, fill in your own blank.....yea, im thinking its a condition....thatll eventually fade away.its not enough to just turn it off. sweat it out. sweat out all the....why, and how and oh well. or maybe just the what now.....cause its happening, your life is need to question that......but thats all good.......ill meet you at the middle.....

Saturday, November 16, 2002 02:55 a.m.
Meet me on the other side Meet me on the other side I'll see you on the other side See you on the other side Honey now if I'm honest I still don't know what love is Another mirage folds into the haze of time recalled And now the floodgates cannot hold All my sorrow all my rage A tear that falls on every page Meet me on the other side Meet me on the other side Maybe I oughta mention Was never my intention To harm you or your kin Are you so scared to look within The ghosts are crawling on our skin We may race and we may run We'll not undo what has been done Or change the moment when it's gone Meet me on the other side Meet me on the other side I'll see you on the other side I'll see you on the other side I know it would be outrageous To come on all courageous And offer you my hand To pull you up on to dry land When all I got is sinking sand That trick ain't worth the time it buys I'm sick of hearing my own lies And love's a raven when it flies Meet me on the other side Meet me on the other side I'll see you on the other side See you on the other side Honey now if I'm honest I still don't know what love is -davidgray